"I went home during lunch but there was nobody there to cook for me. So I had a beer."

"Four on the floor and a fifth under the bench seat"

"I need to take lessons from you guys!"

WOAH! You are alive! I haven’t seen you in a coon’s day! How ya been?

Speaking on the Phone:

“Hey Ronnie! What’s with the Skunk on my dump truck?”
….
“You dumped him off!?”

Answers Phone: “Public Works…Oh I’m so sorry sir. Was that you that just called? I hung up because I thought you were a recording. That’s so bad. I get these recordings sometimes and no number showed up on the phone so I hung up. You were very quiet. Sorry sir.”

Man 1: “Hey hows it going?”

Man 2: “Going well. You?”

Man 1: “Good.”

Man 2: “I heard you hung out with my wife this weekend.”

Man 1: “Yeah. We did. Had a great time.”

Man 2: “Lot of history there…”

"That dirty look deserves a remark"

Woman: “Hey I made this great drink over the weekend. 3 and a half beers, this cranberry juice, three strawberries and half a cup of vodka.”

Boss: “I like my beer to taste like beer.”

Woman: “It was really a good refreshing drink”

Boss: “Was it sweet?”

Woman: “Yes it was sweet but it was good.”

Boss: “I don’t like that sweet stuff with alcohol.”

hAAAAAACHOOOOOOOO

Godbless you! Almost blew your wig off!

At least I didn't pee my pants!

"KELLLLLLEEEEYYYYY"

him: What?

"I seen your girlfriend hauling trash."

Me: Want a chocolate covered coffee bean?
Woman: No thanks. I just had lunch. Last time I had a bag of those it was bad. I ate the whole thing and I was as high as a Georgia pine. Then the next day I crashed...HARD!

7:40am

Woman: Where are you going?
Boss: Out with the supervisor.
Woman: Where's that so I can tell people?
Supervisor: We're going out there, you know?
Boss: They said we're meeting here and carpooling over.
Supervisor: Hell no we aren't!! I'm not getting cramped in the back seat. The little guy don't care about that but I do.
Boss: Okay then.
Supervisor: Then I have to go up the mountain to feed the animals apples; deer, bears, racoons. Have a few beers.
Woman: Good thing [boss] doesn't like beer! (sarcastic)
Supervisor: Yeah...he's more a Clamato kind of guy. See ya'll - let's go.

Woman: "Hey! I just noticed the top comes off this lava lamp. This would make a great shot glass."

Me: Want to get pizza tomorrow? I could pick it up on my scooter?
Woman: Sure! Sounds good. Lets ask Man - "Hey! You want pizza tomorrow? Cus you haven't had any fattening lunches this week"
Man: "Not with you. I'll have it with him - we can share it. You can get your own."
Me: "She's spiteful"
Man: "She's ugly!"
Woman #2: "Ugly Ugly Ugly Ugly"

"I think the electricty's froze"

Woman: Water is out on this side of the building. Have to go use the restrooms on the other side.

Me: You’ll have to use your chamber pot – I’m sure you have one in your desk somewhere

Woman: No but I have one at home.

Me: I’m sure it gets plenty of use.

Woman: Well I use it as a chili bowl.

Man: "IT Stopped in yesterday and told me I have THE fastest computer here"
Woman: "Are you being starcastic?"
Man: "Starcastic?"
Woman: "You know how you are always misspelling things. Yeah - it's a pigment of your imagination."

I was having a rough time ice skating on the pond this weekend. If I throw you a few bucks, any way you could come down with the fire truck and give it a new surface?

You need a mini Zzamboni machine.

Floor sander would be the hillbilly version!

"Did you ever get that feeing in your nose, like something is crunching around? I'm like - 'What is that feeling?' Then I realize, its my nose hair poking me. "