Man: "IT Stopped in yesterday and told me I have THE fastest computer here"
Woman: "Are you being starcastic?"
Man: "Starcastic?"
Woman: "You know how you are always misspelling things. Yeah - it's a pigment of your imagination."

I was having a rough time ice skating on the pond this weekend. If I throw you a few bucks, any way you could come down with the fire truck and give it a new surface?

You need a mini Zzamboni machine.

Floor sander would be the hillbilly version!

"Did you ever get that feeing in your nose, like something is crunching around? I'm like - 'What is that feeling?' Then I realize, its my nose hair poking me. "