They can’t read books but they can read smoke signals. I was sending smoke signals from the brush pile “Party At My House!” West by god Virginia

"It's driving me nuts! It's been bugging me driving over the mountain. I'll be walking around here all day picking my butt."

Ahhhh Choooooo! (sneeze)

"Dang! We bout to strip you naked and burn them clothes. You going home!"

I’m not into work, I’m not into yours, I’m not into anyones! I’m into snacking on this and eating chocolate but I’m not going to eat chocolate.

I don't need that shit today. Godamnit, I was about to say you need to go call that in yourself. One second I have another call..

Hello? You want something? It better be damn important!...I know and I'm thinking to myself "This asshole is pushing it"

I bequeath my teeth to you.

"I need to take my happy pill. I need to be nicer."

::Big Sneeze::
"Woowee! Blew my wig off!"

“You mind catching the phones?” (Walks by with metal cart)
“I’m going out on the street to panhandle…Christmas presents, groceries, liquor…whatever I can get.”

You ever have rodets in your house?

I got three of them..

Haha you got three kids.

I got a mouse or something.

Mothballs, mouse traps.

You got a cat? Get a cat.

My cat won't get them.

You can put poision out there and they'll die.

I would not call an exterminator though.

No that is a waste of money!

"Forgot my rubbers. Can't go home without my rubbers"

"I didn't get pneumonia..."

"Naw but you got your papers wet"

“My nose keeps running.”

“You need one of those nostril things.”

“A turkey baster would work.”

“He’s got one of those Bose Wave Radios and damn – does that thing light up the hollow! He’s got all dem plugs and CD’s and doo dads. I like silent myself, I like nature. I don’t want to hear none of that crap.”

“You keep a shrunken Clementine in your desk?”

“Well people kept asking me about it so I moved it, it’s a science project. This is about a 10-12 years old Orange. Kept it from my last job.”

“She asked why I was going to the Laundromat when I had a pond…”

I'm going to the liquor store to get some liquor

"It's like a big angry circus in here"

Oh boy here we go again! She’s had the swine flu, she’s out of work, she has no job…blala-blah-blah.

“Ya’ll seen my Pudder? My Pudder’s lookin good!”

"Just got back from dropping my car off for an oil change. Yeah 3000 miles past due. The mechanic said it only had ONE quart of oil in it. Very black."

ME: "If your car breaks down, you deserve it"

"Deer and crackers. Now all we need are the crackers..."

"Its always a good day when you get a new tooth"

"My favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber"

"Doesn't this look like deer poop? Its petrified deer poop. No its just a black corn."

"You alright? You look sick"

"I drank too much last night"

"Office injuries are just as plentiful as in-the-field injuries"

"Not on your face"

Man: "Did you bring your toothpaste today?"

Woman: "Yes - why, you have a dentist appointment?"

Man: "Yeah"

Woman: "I brought my toothpaste but I didn't bring my tooth"

"We're tough. We need medicine today"

Woman 1: "Did you bring the drugs?"

Woman 2: "DID I BRING THE DRUGS!?"

Woman 1: "Yeah for customer cut-off day? You might need em today"

Woman 2: "No but I could go get some..."

"Got a hole in my sock...driving me nuts!"

"I saw the mouse run across the floor and I put my foot down real fast to catch it...and I killed it. Its little mouse eyes were all popped to the side"

Phone Call: "Dang it where are you?....The Hospital?...And you came in here and touched things I touched!?!.... Maybe its a little bit of hibernation period or something? Oh GREAT GREAT GREAT! But they haven't said swine flu yet? Anything I can do for you? You sure you don't need anything or want anything?....Take care, alright bye."

On Phone: "Did you check in the tree? Yeah the one across the bridge. Check in the crux of the tree where it splits off into three, there will be a bunch of leaves and the rat and a granola bar. Yeah a granola bar under the leaves."

"How was your weekend?"

"The pipe busted in the bathroom, and we came home on Friday and it was like "woooosh"
I said - I think the pipe busted and he was like 'no way'. Great way to start the weekend."

"Listen, I know you think we are an inefficient, ineffective government agency...but look on the bright side: At least we aren't paying your health insurance"

"They're not all nasty but two of em are complete psychopaths!"

"My crystal ball broke down...LORD HAVE MERCY!"

"Rusty Hammer Construction? Do you think thats really his name? Rusty could be a name around here...and Hammer is a common last name. Thats cute!"

Me: "Did you really kill a possum with a blow dart?"

Her: "I don't know but I definitely hit it. It was in the driveway, I think it was already dead. I shot it twice with the blow gun. I pulled one dart out of him but I couldn't find the second one in the yard. I hate it when I lose a dart."

"Where's my toof? I must have lost it"

"Its right there on the paper!"

"Vivian Shagwell, Foxy Cleopatra, Which one was she?"

"Wait a minute Beyonce' was one of them?"

"Don't ever laugh while eating an apple...with one tooth missing!"

"Well why they call it naked creek? Because everyone out there is naked."

"How are you doing?"

"Great! Can't be no better"

"I love being annoying. Its my best trait. Annnnnnoying. Speaking of annoying, I had some annoying kids at my house this weekend. Never have kids...NEVER!"

"You need to eat apples to avoid the swine flu"

"I Say you just drink a beer"

"Yeah! Hops will kill anything"

"I told him, I said: 'If you are lying to me, I'm gonna string you up by your toe nails and choke the shit out of you'"

Woman: "Light the Fars {fires}. Mine's not an accent, I'm just trying to keep my toof in"
Man: "I was 19 years old when I realized Walter Kronkite didn't have a speech impediment. I thought everybody talked like us"

“After this week. I’ve decided you hate people”

“You think so? I don’t hate people. People sometimes get on my nerves. I hate some people.”

"I got my cornhole last week"

"Nobody else I know would last more than a month in your position"

"Yeah but nobody else goes home and drinks like I do!"

"Whats the difference between Swine Flu and bird flu?"

"Swine Flu you need Oink-ment and Bird Flu you need Tweet-ment"

“I love making phone calls when I’m singing music ‘Iiiiii Just Wanna Keep on Lovin’ You’”

“Yeah they hang up because you are singing!”

“You give them an easy task and they can’t follow directions!”

“Who?”

“I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count!”

"I want an Indianapolis Colts Hardhat. Can you do that?"

"Ewww there’s a gnat IN my po-ta-to! Now I don’t want to eat it."

"I thought I was going to get the Hiney flu and get outta here"
[days after the Hiney comment was made] haha

"Ed…Edga…Edgar Con…Edgard Conc…Darn - I need to take my tooth out."

“Did you get him drugged up?”
“Yes. He sounds like Darth Vader.”
“It isn’t swine flu is it?"

"And now we got her, that little hoochie mama! Lord, give me strength!"

"I got a tomato in my purse...how'd that get in there!?"

"Bring your cell phone. We could get mugged"

"All you have to do is smile at them and we'll be good"

"I didn't understand the last email...Hiney awareness week?"

"Thats H1-N1 Awareness Week"

"My Word's not even there!? My word!"

"Good grief! Its ONLY 8:10!?"

"All you gotta do is add a side of milk and then barf"

"Its like any competition. They fight midgets in England. Its like the boxing fights held in NY between setup bums, exploiting the poor."

Me: “You either need a stress ball or a shot glass.”

Her: “Yeah shot glass. A full one. Stressball…ha! Yeah right that works, it always gets rid of the stress…”

“You know you’re a real redneck if you want to watch lawnmower races”
“Watch em!? I want to be in em!”

"I keep my laundry detergent in the trunk because I have to drive to town to the laundry mat. I keep my roller blades in the trunk in case I see a nice parking lot to do some laps. I keep my roller blades and laundry detergent back there and gym bag back in the back seat."

In reference to callers: "I love being cussed out, shit on, spit on."

Some interesting phone calls

Caller: Is there something wrong with the county hot water? I don’t have any hot water?
Receptionist: Ma’am, you need to contact a plumber.




Caller: “I see here on my bill it says ‘Summer Sewer Program will be discontinued’ what am I supposed to do with my sewage now that summer sewer will not be available?”

"When I got out of the hospital I couldn’t breathe right. I think they stuffed my lungs back in me wrong. Remember how I had that cough for months?"

"You can blame her, but you can't shoot her."

What'd the TV do at the beech?

TV's don't do nothin at the beach

Yes it did!

What?!

It channel surfed

Ongoing phone conversation: “No but I’ve since had a skunk the last three nights in a row. Had a cougar last week. I’m going to get this animal deterrent that’s electric and goes off making this high pitched noise covering up to 6 acres…keeps away everything except for deer”

Woman: Did anyone see America’s got talent last night?

Man 1: No.
Man 2: No.

Man 1: You just watch it for David Hasslehof.

Woman: No I watch it because its all that’s on TV.

Man 1: There was a guy on there recently who was singing a tribute to Hasselhoff about Night Rider.

Woman: Yo got a man crush? Who’s your man crush?

Man 2: Erkle?

Man 1: Matthew McConaughey

Woman: Who’s yours?

Man 2: Never really thought about it…

Woman: You know who I love? Tommy Lee Jones – he’s got sex appeal. I just want to party with him. I don’t want to sleep with him. But if we party and it led to that okay…

Man 1: Is he on your list?

Woman: Yeah the top 50 things I want to do before I die

Where is “so-and-so”?

Oh she left at 4.

What? Where’d she go?

She is going to go home and sit on her…

New skunk smell?

No the deck!

Did she get rid of that skunk?

Yeah he (husband) shot it.

What about the Skunk Babies?

Ewww Gross….

Person 1: "Why do you go to Mexico?"
Person 2 replies "Tequila and Sand"
Person3: "Food?"
Person 1: "She's on the scale all the time"
Person 3: "She needs to back off"

"I worked on the farm, fed the chickens, milked the cows"

"Slopped the hogs?"

"That too."

"My commode seat broke this morning

My cordless phone died this morning

And I came in today and my milk was frozen

So…I have issues"

"As far as I'm concerned, the less technology I know, the better!"

Sticks her head in my doorway

"My watermellon juice went down the wrong hole" cough cough

You remember “so and so”?

Didn’t he graduate 93?

Yeah apparently he fell out of a van at 40 mph - Something about throwing his hat out and trying to get it. He hit his head but said he was fine. When the police showed up he was all out of it and combative so you know they put him under arrest. So they took him to the pokey,whenhis parents go there he wasn’t at the jail he was at the hospital. Then they took him to UVA. He was fractured by the knee and the ankle.

Is he going to be okay?

He’s at home now, and his girlfriend won’t do this, and his girlfriend won’t do that.

Overheard someone talking on the phone

"Look at the website, we have some new stuff. We take dead animals - $56 a ton."
-person on other line talks
"No, we don't take any weapons"

Two Women Speaking:

"I reckon LL Cool J didn't come over the mountain"

"10-4 Good Buddy"

"I smell shrimp. Oh...thats not shrimp. I don't know WHAT that is."

This one almost seems to fantastic to believe but I typed it word for word...

So my friend came by the other day. She had maggots in her ear the other week. She was telling us a story and it gagged us all. Her hair is all the way down to her waist. Gray but beautiful color. I went to look but she doesn't ave a tooth in her whole head.

"Helen wheres your teeth?"
"I thought I told you, I had some gum infection and they won't have my teeth in until next week."

She said "I've been having teeth coming out for week."

She was retaining fluid because her teeth were rotting out of her body. I never felt so bad - when she walked into the house, she had no teeth or anything and that wild grey hair all the way down. You can't help but love her. She wanted to go swimming but forget her earplugs. Mom brought silly putty so that worked. She had custom ear plugs made and they were red in color because she didn't request a special color. She forgot them

"I said its running like a John Deere Tractor on one cylinder"

What you doing this weekend?

I'll be on the beach naked

Naked?

Neah naked and drunk. I'm a lay there naked and drunk.

You should have gone over there for that va nudist colony

You going on a naked hike?

Yeah trying to get in touch with nature. She's afraid nature going to get in touch with me. Alright I got to go - see you guys later!

"so-and-so is doin cows" and later "I'm going to the landfill. They're turning the first cow that we've composted!"

"I got an AK47, but I didn't get a car with it"