"All you gotta do is add a side of milk and then barf"

"Its like any competition. They fight midgets in England. Its like the boxing fights held in NY between setup bums, exploiting the poor."

Me: “You either need a stress ball or a shot glass.”

Her: “Yeah shot glass. A full one. Stressball…ha! Yeah right that works, it always gets rid of the stress…”

“You know you’re a real redneck if you want to watch lawnmower races”
“Watch em!? I want to be in em!”

"I keep my laundry detergent in the trunk because I have to drive to town to the laundry mat. I keep my roller blades in the trunk in case I see a nice parking lot to do some laps. I keep my roller blades and laundry detergent back there and gym bag back in the back seat."

In reference to callers: "I love being cussed out, shit on, spit on."

Some interesting phone calls

Caller: Is there something wrong with the county hot water? I don’t have any hot water?
Receptionist: Ma’am, you need to contact a plumber.




Caller: “I see here on my bill it says ‘Summer Sewer Program will be discontinued’ what am I supposed to do with my sewage now that summer sewer will not be available?”

"When I got out of the hospital I couldn’t breathe right. I think they stuffed my lungs back in me wrong. Remember how I had that cough for months?"

"You can blame her, but you can't shoot her."

What'd the TV do at the beech?

TV's don't do nothin at the beach

Yes it did!

What?!

It channel surfed

Ongoing phone conversation: “No but I’ve since had a skunk the last three nights in a row. Had a cougar last week. I’m going to get this animal deterrent that’s electric and goes off making this high pitched noise covering up to 6 acres…keeps away everything except for deer”

Woman: Did anyone see America’s got talent last night?

Man 1: No.
Man 2: No.

Man 1: You just watch it for David Hasslehof.

Woman: No I watch it because its all that’s on TV.

Man 1: There was a guy on there recently who was singing a tribute to Hasselhoff about Night Rider.

Woman: Yo got a man crush? Who’s your man crush?

Man 2: Erkle?

Man 1: Matthew McConaughey

Woman: Who’s yours?

Man 2: Never really thought about it…

Woman: You know who I love? Tommy Lee Jones – he’s got sex appeal. I just want to party with him. I don’t want to sleep with him. But if we party and it led to that okay…

Man 1: Is he on your list?

Woman: Yeah the top 50 things I want to do before I die

Where is “so-and-so”?

Oh she left at 4.

What? Where’d she go?

She is going to go home and sit on her…

New skunk smell?

No the deck!

Did she get rid of that skunk?

Yeah he (husband) shot it.

What about the Skunk Babies?

Ewww Gross….

Person 1: "Why do you go to Mexico?"
Person 2 replies "Tequila and Sand"
Person3: "Food?"
Person 1: "She's on the scale all the time"
Person 3: "She needs to back off"

"I worked on the farm, fed the chickens, milked the cows"

"Slopped the hogs?"

"That too."

"My commode seat broke this morning

My cordless phone died this morning

And I came in today and my milk was frozen

So…I have issues"

"As far as I'm concerned, the less technology I know, the better!"

Sticks her head in my doorway

"My watermellon juice went down the wrong hole" cough cough

You remember “so and so”?

Didn’t he graduate 93?

Yeah apparently he fell out of a van at 40 mph - Something about throwing his hat out and trying to get it. He hit his head but said he was fine. When the police showed up he was all out of it and combative so you know they put him under arrest. So they took him to the pokey,whenhis parents go there he wasn’t at the jail he was at the hospital. Then they took him to UVA. He was fractured by the knee and the ankle.

Is he going to be okay?

He’s at home now, and his girlfriend won’t do this, and his girlfriend won’t do that.

Overheard someone talking on the phone

"Look at the website, we have some new stuff. We take dead animals - $56 a ton."
-person on other line talks
"No, we don't take any weapons"

Two Women Speaking:

"I reckon LL Cool J didn't come over the mountain"

"10-4 Good Buddy"

"I smell shrimp. Oh...thats not shrimp. I don't know WHAT that is."

This one almost seems to fantastic to believe but I typed it word for word...

So my friend came by the other day. She had maggots in her ear the other week. She was telling us a story and it gagged us all. Her hair is all the way down to her waist. Gray but beautiful color. I went to look but she doesn't ave a tooth in her whole head.

"Helen wheres your teeth?"
"I thought I told you, I had some gum infection and they won't have my teeth in until next week."

She said "I've been having teeth coming out for week."

She was retaining fluid because her teeth were rotting out of her body. I never felt so bad - when she walked into the house, she had no teeth or anything and that wild grey hair all the way down. You can't help but love her. She wanted to go swimming but forget her earplugs. Mom brought silly putty so that worked. She had custom ear plugs made and they were red in color because she didn't request a special color. She forgot them

"I said its running like a John Deere Tractor on one cylinder"

What you doing this weekend?

I'll be on the beach naked

Naked?

Neah naked and drunk. I'm a lay there naked and drunk.

You should have gone over there for that va nudist colony

You going on a naked hike?

Yeah trying to get in touch with nature. She's afraid nature going to get in touch with me. Alright I got to go - see you guys later!

"so-and-so is doin cows" and later "I'm going to the landfill. They're turning the first cow that we've composted!"

"I got an AK47, but I didn't get a car with it"