"I went home during lunch but there was nobody there to cook for me. So I had a beer."

"Four on the floor and a fifth under the bench seat"

"I need to take lessons from you guys!"

WOAH! You are alive! I haven’t seen you in a coon’s day! How ya been?

Speaking on the Phone:

“Hey Ronnie! What’s with the Skunk on my dump truck?”
….
“You dumped him off!?”

Answers Phone: “Public Works…Oh I’m so sorry sir. Was that you that just called? I hung up because I thought you were a recording. That’s so bad. I get these recordings sometimes and no number showed up on the phone so I hung up. You were very quiet. Sorry sir.”

Man 1: “Hey hows it going?”

Man 2: “Going well. You?”

Man 1: “Good.”

Man 2: “I heard you hung out with my wife this weekend.”

Man 1: “Yeah. We did. Had a great time.”

Man 2: “Lot of history there…”

"That dirty look deserves a remark"

Woman: “Hey I made this great drink over the weekend. 3 and a half beers, this cranberry juice, three strawberries and half a cup of vodka.”

Boss: “I like my beer to taste like beer.”

Woman: “It was really a good refreshing drink”

Boss: “Was it sweet?”

Woman: “Yes it was sweet but it was good.”

Boss: “I don’t like that sweet stuff with alcohol.”

hAAAAAACHOOOOOOOO

Godbless you! Almost blew your wig off!

At least I didn't pee my pants!

"KELLLLLLEEEEYYYYY"

him: What?

"I seen your girlfriend hauling trash."

Me: Want a chocolate covered coffee bean?
Woman: No thanks. I just had lunch. Last time I had a bag of those it was bad. I ate the whole thing and I was as high as a Georgia pine. Then the next day I crashed...HARD!

7:40am

Woman: Where are you going?
Boss: Out with the supervisor.
Woman: Where's that so I can tell people?
Supervisor: We're going out there, you know?
Boss: They said we're meeting here and carpooling over.
Supervisor: Hell no we aren't!! I'm not getting cramped in the back seat. The little guy don't care about that but I do.
Boss: Okay then.
Supervisor: Then I have to go up the mountain to feed the animals apples; deer, bears, racoons. Have a few beers.
Woman: Good thing [boss] doesn't like beer! (sarcastic)
Supervisor: Yeah...he's more a Clamato kind of guy. See ya'll - let's go.

Woman: "Hey! I just noticed the top comes off this lava lamp. This would make a great shot glass."

Me: Want to get pizza tomorrow? I could pick it up on my scooter?
Woman: Sure! Sounds good. Lets ask Man - "Hey! You want pizza tomorrow? Cus you haven't had any fattening lunches this week"
Man: "Not with you. I'll have it with him - we can share it. You can get your own."
Me: "She's spiteful"
Man: "She's ugly!"
Woman #2: "Ugly Ugly Ugly Ugly"

"I think the electricty's froze"

Woman: Water is out on this side of the building. Have to go use the restrooms on the other side.

Me: You’ll have to use your chamber pot – I’m sure you have one in your desk somewhere

Woman: No but I have one at home.

Me: I’m sure it gets plenty of use.

Woman: Well I use it as a chili bowl.

Man: "IT Stopped in yesterday and told me I have THE fastest computer here"
Woman: "Are you being starcastic?"
Man: "Starcastic?"
Woman: "You know how you are always misspelling things. Yeah - it's a pigment of your imagination."

I was having a rough time ice skating on the pond this weekend. If I throw you a few bucks, any way you could come down with the fire truck and give it a new surface?

You need a mini Zzamboni machine.

Floor sander would be the hillbilly version!

"Did you ever get that feeing in your nose, like something is crunching around? I'm like - 'What is that feeling?' Then I realize, its my nose hair poking me. "

They can’t read books but they can read smoke signals. I was sending smoke signals from the brush pile “Party At My House!” West by god Virginia

"It's driving me nuts! It's been bugging me driving over the mountain. I'll be walking around here all day picking my butt."

Ahhhh Choooooo! (sneeze)

"Dang! We bout to strip you naked and burn them clothes. You going home!"

I’m not into work, I’m not into yours, I’m not into anyones! I’m into snacking on this and eating chocolate but I’m not going to eat chocolate.

I don't need that shit today. Godamnit, I was about to say you need to go call that in yourself. One second I have another call..

Hello? You want something? It better be damn important!...I know and I'm thinking to myself "This asshole is pushing it"

I bequeath my teeth to you.

"I need to take my happy pill. I need to be nicer."

::Big Sneeze::
"Woowee! Blew my wig off!"

“You mind catching the phones?” (Walks by with metal cart)
“I’m going out on the street to panhandle…Christmas presents, groceries, liquor…whatever I can get.”

You ever have rodets in your house?

I got three of them..

Haha you got three kids.

I got a mouse or something.

Mothballs, mouse traps.

You got a cat? Get a cat.

My cat won't get them.

You can put poision out there and they'll die.

I would not call an exterminator though.

No that is a waste of money!

"Forgot my rubbers. Can't go home without my rubbers"

"I didn't get pneumonia..."

"Naw but you got your papers wet"

“My nose keeps running.”

“You need one of those nostril things.”

“A turkey baster would work.”

“He’s got one of those Bose Wave Radios and damn – does that thing light up the hollow! He’s got all dem plugs and CD’s and doo dads. I like silent myself, I like nature. I don’t want to hear none of that crap.”

“You keep a shrunken Clementine in your desk?”

“Well people kept asking me about it so I moved it, it’s a science project. This is about a 10-12 years old Orange. Kept it from my last job.”

“She asked why I was going to the Laundromat when I had a pond…”

I'm going to the liquor store to get some liquor

"It's like a big angry circus in here"

Oh boy here we go again! She’s had the swine flu, she’s out of work, she has no job…blala-blah-blah.

“Ya’ll seen my Pudder? My Pudder’s lookin good!”

"Just got back from dropping my car off for an oil change. Yeah 3000 miles past due. The mechanic said it only had ONE quart of oil in it. Very black."

ME: "If your car breaks down, you deserve it"

"Deer and crackers. Now all we need are the crackers..."

"Its always a good day when you get a new tooth"

"My favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber"

"Doesn't this look like deer poop? Its petrified deer poop. No its just a black corn."

"You alright? You look sick"

"I drank too much last night"

"Office injuries are just as plentiful as in-the-field injuries"

"Not on your face"

Man: "Did you bring your toothpaste today?"

Woman: "Yes - why, you have a dentist appointment?"

Man: "Yeah"

Woman: "I brought my toothpaste but I didn't bring my tooth"

"We're tough. We need medicine today"

Woman 1: "Did you bring the drugs?"

Woman 2: "DID I BRING THE DRUGS!?"

Woman 1: "Yeah for customer cut-off day? You might need em today"

Woman 2: "No but I could go get some..."

"Got a hole in my sock...driving me nuts!"

"I saw the mouse run across the floor and I put my foot down real fast to catch it...and I killed it. Its little mouse eyes were all popped to the side"

Phone Call: "Dang it where are you?....The Hospital?...And you came in here and touched things I touched!?!.... Maybe its a little bit of hibernation period or something? Oh GREAT GREAT GREAT! But they haven't said swine flu yet? Anything I can do for you? You sure you don't need anything or want anything?....Take care, alright bye."

On Phone: "Did you check in the tree? Yeah the one across the bridge. Check in the crux of the tree where it splits off into three, there will be a bunch of leaves and the rat and a granola bar. Yeah a granola bar under the leaves."

"How was your weekend?"

"The pipe busted in the bathroom, and we came home on Friday and it was like "woooosh"
I said - I think the pipe busted and he was like 'no way'. Great way to start the weekend."

"Listen, I know you think we are an inefficient, ineffective government agency...but look on the bright side: At least we aren't paying your health insurance"

"They're not all nasty but two of em are complete psychopaths!"

"My crystal ball broke down...LORD HAVE MERCY!"

"Rusty Hammer Construction? Do you think thats really his name? Rusty could be a name around here...and Hammer is a common last name. Thats cute!"

Me: "Did you really kill a possum with a blow dart?"

Her: "I don't know but I definitely hit it. It was in the driveway, I think it was already dead. I shot it twice with the blow gun. I pulled one dart out of him but I couldn't find the second one in the yard. I hate it when I lose a dart."

"Where's my toof? I must have lost it"

"Its right there on the paper!"

"Vivian Shagwell, Foxy Cleopatra, Which one was she?"

"Wait a minute Beyonce' was one of them?"

"Don't ever laugh while eating an apple...with one tooth missing!"

"Well why they call it naked creek? Because everyone out there is naked."

"How are you doing?"

"Great! Can't be no better"

"I love being annoying. Its my best trait. Annnnnnoying. Speaking of annoying, I had some annoying kids at my house this weekend. Never have kids...NEVER!"

"You need to eat apples to avoid the swine flu"

"I Say you just drink a beer"

"Yeah! Hops will kill anything"

"I told him, I said: 'If you are lying to me, I'm gonna string you up by your toe nails and choke the shit out of you'"

Woman: "Light the Fars {fires}. Mine's not an accent, I'm just trying to keep my toof in"
Man: "I was 19 years old when I realized Walter Kronkite didn't have a speech impediment. I thought everybody talked like us"

“After this week. I’ve decided you hate people”

“You think so? I don’t hate people. People sometimes get on my nerves. I hate some people.”

"I got my cornhole last week"